Why are you really angry? and Internal Actions. + Meditation Minute

The moment you label something,

you will have an emotional response. 

“I have followed your work for years now. It has greatly helped me, but I still don’t know how to control myself”, he said.

“What do you mean?”

“I understand a great deal more than I used to, about Relationships and life in general, but somehow when I am triggered, I cannot stop myself. I became extremely angry. I say things I don’t intend to, and that hurts my wife.”

“Do you know why you’re angry?”

“In the moment it feels like my wife is responsible. She has trauma of her own she’s working through. But as she works through it, and falls off the path, she takes it out on me. She accuses me of things I did not do. She remembers everything differently, that suits her point of view, and that makes me lose my mind”, he said.

“Yes, I understand. But you didn’t answer my question.”

“I am angry, as you always say, because I am afraid of our relationship ending. But I know that already and that does NOT help.”, he was getting a little agitated himself.

As he said those last words forcefully, there was silence.

I let him feel his anger. He was breathing heavily.

“Why is it that she always sees things differently than I do? And when I ask a question, or even as much as point something out, she lashes out at me. Then I get angry. She goes into therapy too, and her therapist has told her that I gaslight her.” he said, poking himself in the chest.

He repeated, as if he was incredulous at his own voice. “I gaslight her? She’s the one who refuses to examine her own actions. How can pointing out her twisting of the facts to suit her narrative, be gaslighting?”, he went on.

“I understand, but that's a dead end. I must ask the question you did not answer. Why are you really angry?”

“I feel the whole situation is completely unfair to me.”

“Sure, given the context it may be. But is there anything fundamentally fair or unfair in life?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is it fair or unfair to have the body, the family, the country we are born in, where there was affluence, and riches all around us, whereas someone was born in a ditch where bombs were falling from the sky? Is it fair for 90 year old billionaires to spread misery on the planet, while 5 year old kids battle leukemia in the cancer ward? So wait….what's fair or unfair in life?”

“I guess when you put it that way..”

“No No No, it's not a verbal trick. Not mental gymnastics to rationalize our situation. We are asking seriously, is there really a thing as fair or unfair in the world?”

“It appears there isn’t.”

“Correct. Fair or unfair are labels we give emotions, memories and experiences. The moment we label them as such, good or bad, positive or negative, a different process begins. The process of thinking more, commenting more. 

If there were no labels, what would the situation you're in be described as?”

“Just, what it is.”

“Exactly. It is what it is. There is a suchness to it. It is neither positive, nor negative.”

“Are we then saying someone can abuse us, all they want, and that's fair? Or we must tolerate it endlessly?”

“No. You’re racing ahead towards outward action. What must I say, or do when my wife says this or that? That comes much later.”

“Then what comes first?”

“Inward action. First come to a place of non-judgment. Non-labeling. Then whether you take outward action or not, you are free of suffering. This is as such.”

“Such is this.”

“Such is this. Every memory, every experience, everything that happens, say to it, such is this.”

“Such is this”, he repeated to himself.

“Now what do you feel?”

“Such is this.”

“The ‘suchness’ of things doesn’t require any action, does it?”

“When I say it, I feel like nothing follows it.”

“Such is this”, we said it together.

“Think of a recent so-called positive experience, that vacation, or a gift. Now say to it, such is this. Think of a recent apparent painful experience, that fight you had, or disagreement, and say to it - such is this.”

“When I call my pain up, and label it negative, I get pulled into it.”

“Of Course you do. The label or the judgment invites an emotional response. Everything you label, you have an emotional response to. A movie, a dog, the sky, the traffic. 

We feel ordinarily that once I have an emotional response, I label things. But the fact is, my body feels something, I look at it, I subconsciously label it, sort it into positive or negative, and then an emotional response follows.”

“Hmmm.”

“What happens if I feel something spontaneously, and I refuse to label it? What if I am faster than the subconscious mind?”

“That would require a lot of alertness and sensitivity.”

“True. Assume for the moment that you have it, then what happens?”

“If I don’t label, or I remove the habitually applied label, there is no emotional response. I feel like there is silence.”

“Now, let’s look at that question again? Are you ready?”

“Why are you really angry?”

“Because I labeled how I felt, and how I remember my wife, negatively.”

“What happens if you take away those labels now? Take away all the labels associated with the memory, the image of her. What takes place then?”

He closed his eyes and went deeper into his inner being.

He remained here, in silence, for a good 4 minutes.

“Such is this.”, were the words he uttered, as his shoulders relaxed, his eyes dampened.

“Such is this.”

Meditation Minute : Your Weekly Practice

Remember something good.

Negate the label "good"

Remember something bad.
Negate the label "bad".

Whatever remains, is reality.

Such is its nature.