Whatever holds your attention, grows.

Whatever you think will happen, has already happened

It was sometime in the fall of 2008. I was in Edmonton, Canada for a work project. My days were spent droning about in the office trying to fix a problem for our clients, and evenings mostly in solitude or contemplation.

I did not get along with my coworkers back then, who all formed a part of a consulting team working far away from home, trying  to do the best we could.

This also was a time for me when I had just realized how little I knew about myself. I was just out of a relationship and was going through a grieving process, which unbeknownst to me then, would continue for another 6 years.

So needless to say, I was not in a great place myself.

When I was not working, I was reading books, or I was taking pictures in a park.

I rarely wanted to spend time with the people I was working with.

I was in solitude and didn’t bother much for company.

But in all of this, I had one friend.

She was much older than me, however she understood the state I was in.

We discussed a few things about what we both had been through.

Back then, she was in her late 30s. And I was about 24.

She told her how she got separated from her partner and couldn’t bring herself to date anyone after that. She had been single for 10 years.

That she carried trauma and pain was apparent to me, but for it to be that significant came as mild shock.

One day we were getting some coffee and I found her particularly worried.

I asked her what was wrong.

“My mind is just all over the place today. I feel so uncertain about my future. I don’t know what’s going to happen with me.”

“When you say uncertain what does that mean?”

“I am afraid of what might happen, and that makes me panic. I can’t stop thinking about the future.”

“What future?”, I asked her.

“What do you mean? The future. Whatever may happen tomorrow or next month etc.”

“What’s the problem with the future?”

“That it could be painful or negative.”

“So the problem is inside the future? Would you say so?”

“Yes.”

“But that would mean you can see the future and see what it contains, and you seem to be sure it contains bad things.”

“No, I don't think I can see the future. Nobody can. It isn’t necessarily bad, but it feels like it is..”

“Wait. Hold on. If you can’t see the future, and don't know what it might contain. Where does the problem, which you have put there, actually come from?”

“It comes from my experience. It comes from my past. We have discussed this before too. I don’t see anything new there, neither does it help me.”

“Whatever you think might happen, already has happened.”

“What? I don’t understand that.”

“What you imagine might happen in the future - Whether you may or may not find a life partner, whether you become successful, whether you excel in your art etc. Whether you leave this job and find a new one. It has already happened, in your mind. 

Only when you can first conceive of it can you plant it in your future.”

“What does that imply?”

“That means your future technically, or anyone's future, is inconceivable.”

“So then why am I afraid right now?”

“We usually are afraid of our own projection of what the future would be. We create an imaginary future, and then scare ourselves by looking at it.”

“So I am projecting something, and then I am scaring myself?”

“Don’t ask me. What do I know? What you observe is far more important than what I say. What do you observe?”

“Yes. I am having flashbacks of what happened to me.”

“Correct. So what are flashbacks?”

“I am remembering things.”

“Is memory real?”

“Yes it feels real.”

“It's a record of what happened. But does memory ever contain reality?”

“Yes, things which happened to me. I am not imagining those!”

“Reality is not what happened. Reality is what is happening. Do you think memory contains what is happening? That dry leaf is floating down from the tree. It's fall season, and a leaf is falling once every few seconds. Is the actual falling of this leaf in memory?”

“No its not”

“So memory is not real either. Why do you think we let things which are not real, trouble us so much?”

She heaved a sigh of relief. She seemed to be relaxing from the tension she was carrying.

“I guess you are right. I can’t help but be pulled into these memory lanes sometimes. Then I think of things which were painful and I begin to feel sad.”

“What is so bad about this moment?”

“I guess not very much. But if this moment isn't bad, why do I get pulled in?”

“Because whatever you pay attention to grows. When you pay attention to your past, your past grows, and….”

“When you pay attention to the present, the present grows too”, she finished my sentence.

“You have a choice in what you choose to pay attention to. So choose wisely.”

“I choose the present. I choose reality.”

“Hmm. So what is so sad about this moment?”

We were both silent for a few minutes.

She seemed to be considering the question deeply.

There was distant lightning and deep thunder.

Dark clouds had been gathering in the sky. 

A storm was passing.

Elsewhere, the rain had begun.

A cold breeze brought us the scents.

Wet earth, and petrichor.

Then it began to pour, and all one could hear was the sound of raindrops falling on the leaves, the road, and the roof of the cafe we were in.

A few moments passed. 

I asked her again, “What is so sad about this moment?”.

But her eyes were closed.

She never answered.

Meditation Minute : Your Weekly Practice

Become aware of how everytime you have a conversation, your attention moves from the other person's voice and observing them to your memory, to your past, to what they said last time, to their image you have stored in your mind.

Then shift attention back to them, and see how the conversation flows.