Is that Love or Attachment - What's the Real Difference? How to let go of Attachments?

Have you ever wondered whether you truly love someone?

When you have been in a relationship with them for a long time but question if there is love underneath it all?

Perhaps you have wondered the same about your parents, when life reminds you of the various ways in which they may have fallen short.

Did my parents really love me?

These are difficult questions to ask, but they are necessary all the same.

I was once speaking to one of the members of our community in a private conversation, and they were describing how much they missed someone because they were not allowed to be with them.

A relationship was forbidden by their family, and this was the reason for a great deal of pain.

They felt miserable as a result of the forced separation.

As we discussed their situation, we pondered a question.

“Who am I really crying for?”

I asked them if they were crying for the other person, because they needed help, and were in pain, or were they crying for themselves, out of self-pity?

This question is not easy to regard, as it raises a possibility that our love may indeed be self-centered.

After they heard this question, they went quiet. 

Then they got a little angry and discontinued the conversation shortly, because of how uncomfortable the question made them feel.

Two weeks passed by.

Then, I got a one line reply from them.

“I do think I love them, but you were right, my suffering was mostly from my attachment.”

--

This idea of Attachment is important to understand in depth, because our Love is usually mixed with it.

We must learn to separate the two, and let attachments go.

(Just a reminder. We don’t use the word Attachments in the sense that psychotherapy uses it. They mean a “bond” when they use that word. We mean “a dependence”, when we use it )

Attachment feels like a binding force that keeps us stuck begging for emotional security from someone else.

When we are attached, their behavior becomes very important.

A mother attached to her child, will want to control all of her child's decisions, while unknowingly disregarding the child’s personal happiness.

When I am attached to you, your behavior makes me happy.

When I Love you, your happiness makes me happy.

Attachments are created in relationships when we have an internal vacuum of insecurity.

If I have that vacuum within me, I latch onto you in order to fill that emptiness I feel.

Needless to say, if I dont feel this emptiness within me, I don’t latch onto you.

I let you be.

When two insecure people enter a relationship, the attachment they experience is intense.

If one of them is insecure, only that person gets attached, and the other struggles to love them.

If a parent is insecure, they attach to their children to fulfill their inner void.

A parental attachment can be quite difficult to navigate, as the child’s identity is formed while the parent was insecure. It makes the child grow up into an insecure adult too.

That insecure adult now goes on to form romantic attachments with other adults which cause suffering.

Why do Attachments cause suffering?

When I am attached to you, I rely on you saying or doing things for me which keep me feeling secure.

Naturally I try to subconsciously or consciously control your behavior.

I put restrictions upon you to give up your friends, your hobbies, your likes or dislikes.

I forbid you from dressing a certain way, pursuing a certain career, or want to change your friendships.

If you don’t obey me, I threaten you with consequences.

And then I call our relationship, Love.

This is obviously not Love, but Attachment.

Attachments breed fear, control, resentment, anger and ultimately suffering.

Does Love create suffering?

Love can create pain too.

A mother suffers if her child is hurt.

True Love also causes pain and suffering.

But there is one key difference.

The suffering from Love is necessary.

Without that suffering the world will break apart.

The suffering from Attachments is however completely unnecessary.

What are some of the signs of Love?

The first condition for Love to be born is freedom.

The first condition for freedom is inward security.

If you feel secure within you, you will naturally create space for someone to coexist freely.

If you feel insecure, then you must be wary of this feeling, for it will guide you towards restricting someone else's freedom.

Love is secure in its nature.

It is like planting a seed and nurturing it without constantly checking if it has sprouted. 

You provide it with sunlight (freedom), water (space), and care (listening), trusting that it will grow in its own time. 

You don't pull it out to see if the roots are forming. You allow it to develop naturally. 

Love is about trust, patience, and the gentle care that encourages growth without forcing it or expecting something in return. 

If you see signs of Attachment in your relationships, don’t worry.

Here are some simple things that you can start practicing today.

 Know your own worth. There’s a beautiful quote by author Kent Haruf which says, “Believe in yourself despite the evidence”. Write it a 100 times if you must.

Start doing something you love. This will help you in loving the person you become. When you start enjoying your own company, you stop relying that much on others to make you feel happy.

Exercise more often, and do it well. Physical strain strengthens your mind and body connection. It makes you mentally strong and self-reliant.

Consume a lot of positive and inspiring material. Read good books. Meditate deeply. Get to know yourself, far far more than anyone else ever can.

Go for long walks, alone. No music in your ears. No browsing the web or chatting with people. Keep your cellphone off. Connect with nature. This will bring you back to the balance within.

Try these things for 30 days & then email me & tell how you feel.

This practice is more than just an exercise. It's a way to connect more deeply with yourself. 

As you become more and more secure, you’ll notice something.

Your love becomes self-sufficient, and begins to breathe.

You feel lighter and freer within.

Whether someone is physically with you or not, you’ll feel a deep connection with them.

You’ll know in the quietness of your knowing, that what you feel is true Love, and it is absolutely free of all attachment.

What's one area in your life where you feel attached rather than love? 

P.S.: Watch this youtube video on self reliance, if you want to go deeper.