Is it Necessary to Forgive in order to Heal? + Meditation Minute

Blame is a fire that burns the one who holds it

“You talk a lot about forgiveness. I don't know if I fully agree with you that it's necessary to forgive in order to heal. I don’t think I can ever forgive my family for the emotional abuse I endured for so many years.”

“Alright.”

“I am reading more and more psychologists saying that it's ok to not forgive. And healing can begin even when we haven’t forgiven.”

“Quite true. Healing can begin, but can it finish?”

“I think so. I can imagine myself healed while not having forgiven.”

“What does it mean to forgive?”

“Why don’t you tell me. What is the easiest way to understand forgiveness?”

“To forgive is to understand why something happened. It is to get it. When you understand why they hurt you, which is because of their conditioning and their own unresolved trauma, that is forgiveness.”

“I understand all that, but I still can’t forgive.”

“Understanding something verbally and intellectually is important. But is that all understanding is?”

“Go on.”

“Understanding is also at the level of feeling isn’t it? We can understand at the level of thought, but we can also then understand at the level of feeling.”

“I don't get it. Can you please explain more?”

“Do you love your daughter?”

“Of course I do.”

“Do you love her because you say, “I love you” to her every day?”

“No. I get it. Love is a feeling. I don’t love her because I verbalize it. Words are not Love.”

“Exactly. When you understand and forgive, it will be a physical sensation that goes along with the intellectual understanding of conditioning. It will be a deeply emotional release. I once woke up at 5:00 am, while it was dark out, and sat up in my bed. I had tears rolling down my eyes. I had just forgiven someone who had deeply hurt me, in my dream.”

“I see. So forgiveness is a deep emotional release?”

“Don’t you think so? When you forgive someone a heavy weight is lifted.”

“What weight is that?”

“The weight of blame.”

“But surely they deserve to be blamed. Who else should I blame? Myself?”

“Must you always blame someone?”

“Hmmm.”

“Can we look at what happened, without trying to hold someone or the other responsible?”

“How do you do that?”

“We are all actors in a large stage play. We are playing the roles we have been given. We have our motives written down for us in the scripts of our conditioning.”

“Hmmm.”

“Sometimes an actor will improvise, break the script, do what they are not supposed to do. And something beautiful and creative happens.”

“Someone breaks their conditioning. Does what they are not supposed to do.”

“That's right. Can you be that person?”

“How do I become that person?”

“Make a firm decision never to blame anyone. No matter how responsible they are, don’t blame them. Because blame is a fire that burns the one who holds it.”

“It doesn't burn them.”

“Of Course not. It burns you. You get hurt again. First by their actions, then by your response to their actions.”

“I am understanding now.”

“Put aside anger when you observe. Then you’ll see. Sometimes things just happen. Sometimes there are no explanations.”

“That is forgiveness.”

“That is forgiveness.”

Meditation Minute : Your Weekly Practice

This week, go outside for a walk.

Find an animal or a bird to look at. Look at them until the label disappears, and you see what it is beyond the name humanity has given it.

Before language, how was it perceived?

Perceive it that way.