Do you Sabotage Yourself Often? Learn The Art of Commitment.

"He who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how" - Nietszche

“I sometimes feel like I am a failure”, he said wistfully.

This was our third conversation, and we were beginning to peel back the layers of the relationship he had with himself.

“You know, what we said last time right? About the negative labels on oneself?”

“Yes, I remember. The labels reinforce themselves. But unless I tell you my present state, I don’t know how else to describe it to you.”

“That’s fair. So why do you say that?”, I asked.

“There are many layers to this, but honestly I feel like I have never really accomplished anything in my life that I find worth respecting. Everytime I feel like I am about to do something worthwhile for myself, I give up mid-way.”

“Hmmm.”

“Like last year, I decided to lose the excess weight I have and get back in shape. My goal was to lose 10 pounds. I lost 10, and then I gained back 15.”

“But you lost 10!”

“Yeah but I gained back 15!”

“I know but that was an accomplishment right? Perhaps what you didn’t account for is keeping the weight off. What that requires, probably you did not account for.”

“Yeah, I think I agree. But this is not just about weight loss. After that I started a business with my brother. I invested $20,000, and then I backed out after 4 months, because I could not take the pressure of running a business.”

“Right.”


“During that time, my relationship with my wife also suffered because she began to resent me. She said to me one day, "you never finish anything that you start”….and that really hurt me, because she was right!”


“Do you think so too? That you have trouble finishing what you start?”


“I do. I cannot finish anything that I start. Like I decide to wake up early every morning, but I can’t. I decide to eat healthy, but at meal times I overeat, or eat something that's unhealthy. I want to exercise everyday, but then I don’t. I might even have ADHD. I can't seem to focus on one thing long enough.”

“I don’t think we need to go there just yet. Being fatalistic about our condition, and putting in yet another label such as a disease. I think there is something to be observed here.”

“What is that?”

“The Illusion of Commitment.”

“The illusion?! I don't think I know how to commit at all!. I am pretty sure I have no clue what it means.”

“No labels…remember? But do you agree? Should we talk about this?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“The thing is most of us feel like we understand how to take action once a decision is made. We love going from decision to action, the moment we choose a direction.”

“What do you mean?”

“For example, If I ask you to get a glass of water for yourself. What would you do?”

“I think I will get up and go get it.”

“That's it right there. You made a decision to drink water, and you executed it.”

“How else do I do it?”


“Would you say you spent any time committing to the act of getting water?”

“No I didn’t. Because it does not require any commitment.”

“Exactly. Do you see it?”

I waited to see if he got the idea that I was trying to convey.

“Oh you mean, I do this even for things which require commitment, which is wrong.”

“Exactly. We do not take any time to consciously commit to a decision we make, and therefore when challenges arise, we abandon the decision easily.”

“Hmm….How do you recommend I commit to something?”

“I think committing comes down to 3 steps really.”

“What are they?”


“I would call it the 3 Step Commitment Process. And we do these 3 steps, after every decision we make.”


“I see.”

“So once we make a decision. We ask the first question.”


Step 1: Closing your eyes, and asking yourself, “Are you really serious about this decision?”


“Take any decision you have recently made. Can you pick one?”

“Let’s pick the decision to exercise three times every week.”

“Are you serious about it?”

He took a minute to ponder.


“You know it feels strange to admit, but I feel like I am not. I’m not actually serious about it.”

“That’s just it. This is where you get to improve the commitment you have to that decision, instead of just stumbling forward.”

“What’s step 2?”

Step 2 : Asking yourself, “Will you stick with this decision when distractions or problems arise?”

“What do you feel when you ask this question?”

“I am thinking of various issues that may arise such as, work being too heavy that day and me being just too tired to work out. Or my wife needing something from me which might stop me from going to the gym.”

“So will you stick with it?”

“I need to think about it. I am not sure yet.”

“Beautiful. That’s a sincere answer. You see now you are taking your decision seriously, and taking time to solidify your decision to move forward.”


“I like this. What is the third step?”

Step 3: Asking yourself, “Under what circumstances, will I willingly abandon my decision?”


“Hmm…Why do we ask ourselves this one?”

“Ask yourself and you’ll find out.”

“Umm…I feel like I will not exercise 3 times only if I get injured or my work gets too heavy?”

“Good. So you see, work is already playing a role in whether you are going to exercise during the week. Right?”


“Yeah, that's right.”

“You have already told yourself that if work is too much, exercising takes a back seat. And you know what? That's okay. Because at least now, not exercising will not affect your self-image. Would you agree?”

“I see. Because now I am conscious about the level of commitment I have towards something beforehand.”

“Exactly. And what’s more, each question will deepen your commitment towards the important things, and reduce it towards the ones that aren’t important.”


“Yeah, but what about certain commitments I don’t want to keep?”

“What do you mean?”

“I tend to promise people things I’ll do for them. Like I promised my wife that we will get dinner at this particular place downtown, but it takes time to go there, and with the kids and everything, I don’t think I will have time this week. I feel terrible to say to No to her.”

“So you over-commit right?”

“Yes I do, and this is in many areas of my life.”

“We over commit because we have no idea how much commitment something actually takes. We overcommit not just because we want to please people, but also because we do not know how to say No.”


“Right….and we don’t know how to say No, because we don’t know what the decision or commitment really requires!”

“Right. And what's more, when you say YES to things, when you truly commit, you will feel an enormous amount of energy flow towards that decision. Commitment will quiet your inner conflict, and make life easier, because you're no longer second-guessing your own choices everyday.”

"You know the why, behind your actions."

"And a man who knows the why, can deal with almost any how - Quote by Nietzsche."

“I am going to use this method to make any decision from day onwards.”


“Wait…are you sure?”

He laughed.

“Ha! I see what you did there. Let me think about it using the 3 questions, and then I will know.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you.”
--

PS:  Below is the picture of Julia Butterfly Hill. She brought international attention to the plight of the world’s last remaining ancient forests by living 180 ft up in a 1000 yr old redwood for 738 days, without stepping down a single time. She survived wild fires, storms, and incredible opposition from the lumber company she was fighting.

But she prevailed in the end.

What appeals to me about her story is I share the same love of the ancient Sequioas and Redwoords that she has, just not her courage or commitment. 

Wonder what would her answer to the last question would be...

Click here to read her story.