Compassion vs. Ego – What's Guiding Your Decisions?
Apr 18, 2024
I wanted to share with you a recent incident that happened in my life.
I have a group of friends who are very close to each other. We have always kept in touch, and spoken on the phone, once every few days for the past 20 years.
One particular friend in this group, I am quite close to. So we have always had longer conversations than the others.
Needless to say, we have a certain frequency at which we speak.
It's something like once every week.
Recently, I found myself calling this friend, let’s call him Raj, and hitting the voicemail, about 4 weeks in a row.
No particular explanations were given, no phone calls were returned.
I knew something must be going on in his life which he cannot share yet.
So I let him be.
Then one day he calls me out of the blue, and asks me to do something for him right away, which would take about an hour of my time.
I had the same reaction which anyone would have.
I felt slightly betrayed, confused, and might even say, a little angry.
I wanted to confront him instantly and demand an explanation.
But I did not do so.
I did what he asked me to do, without insisting on an explanation.
And I am glad I did so, as you’ll see.
Here's why I did what I did:
- Recognizing the Ego's Trap
It's easy to react based on our ego, especially when we feel wronged.
The Ego does not want to be disrespected or used.
However, in trying to maintain respect for itself, it often hurts the other for correct, desirable behavior.
In this instance, my friend calling me and asking to do something for him was a sign of trust and me confronting him at that time, would punish him for doing what I expected a friend to do in the first place - call me anytime if he needed me.
Anger is usually a sign that the Ego wants to assert itself.
- Embracing Compassion Without Losing Self-Respect
Preventing the Ego from getting its way doesn't mean we accept poor treatment either.
It's about recognizing the underlying conditioning, having empathy, listening intently, and speaking spontaneously at the right moment.
In this conversation, I said jokingly, “I like how you don't pick up and then call me when you need me. This is exactly what good friends are for.”
This statement fits right into the sense of humor and the closeness I’ve had with this person for the past 2 decades.
Is it sarcastic? Sure, but is it precisely what our relationship needed at that moment?
Absolutely.
(So sarcasm is not right for any conversation, in fact, mostly it is wrong, but it was right for us, at this precise moment.)
He began to laugh, and immediately apologized for not picking up.
Then he told me about the stress he was under for the past month owing to health problems his father was facing, and the trips he had to take to see him.
And this phone call was his way of reconnecting and having a deeper conversation.
I told him that it's all good, and that I understood him.
- The Art of Forgiveness and Growth
Forgiveness is not about excusing someone's behavior but about freeing ourselves from the grip of resentment.
It's a path towards personal growth and deeper connection.
Holding on to resentment serves no one, it makes our relationships sour and weak.
Forgiveness creates a second chance.
Resentment can sometimes prematurely end a relationship.
- Walking the Thin Line using the art of Listening.
Finding the balance is like walking a tightrope.
It's about not letting the ego control our decisions but also not being so compassionate that we allow ourselves to be taken for granted.
Good listening skills help us walk this narrow path.
If I hadn’t been listening, I would have first brought up my grievance with him, and hurt him for prioritizing his father.
In our lives, we are constantly faced with choices that require balance and wisdom.
The path we choose doesn't merely shape our relationships,
It shapes our very selves.
Do you also struggle with such decisions?
Have you ever found yourself making the wrong choice?
What happened if you made the right choice?
I am interested. Feel free to comment.