Are you Striving or Flowing? The 5 Modes of the Ego

Have you ever felt stuck in a pattern of fear, self-doubt, or striving? Or wondered why certain situations trigger such strong emotions?

I was speaking to Heidi, one of our readers, and she told me how no matter what she tries, the old memories don't stop coming up.

And once they do, she gets pulled into them.

Then the struggle begins. The anger, the fear, the guilt the shame, all of it is here.

The struggle to not feel these emotions, usually leads to nothing but wasted time, energy and focus.

It usually takes a few hours or a few days even, to come out of the heaviness of these thoughts.

Why it happens

This happens because of the fascinating way our Ego works. 

Our Ego is the central factor, the me-thought that shapes our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

It operates in five key modes. Understanding these can help us navigate life with more clarity, ease, and connection:

1. Judging and Concluding

The Ego cannot tolerate not knowing.

So it would rather know incorrectly, rather than not know at all.

This is why it judges.

In this mode, the ego constantly evaluates, compares, and labels. It decides whether someone or something aligns with us, often creating conflict, insecurity, or fear. 

Ask yourself:

• How often do I compare myself to others?
• In what ways do my judgments hold me back from connecting with others or myself?

2. Striving and Controlling

When judgment doesn’t bring peace, the ego moves to control and striving. It will wish for things to be different. It will be overcome with shame, guilt, fear or anger. 

It begins striving for approval, controlling outcomes, or even creating unnecessary struggles, this mode often leaves us feeling drained.

Sometimes the striving and struggling is so persistent, that the Ego makes it a part of its identity.

Reflection:

• What am I currently trying to control in my life?
• Is there a situation where I could ease my grip and trust the process instead?

3. Observing

This is the turning point. By observing ourselves without judgment, as though watching a movie where we are a central character, we can begin to see our patterns and behaviors with compassion and curiosity.

Insights emerge when we simply notice. This mode of the Ego is the beginning of transformation.

To observe we don't need any energy. Watch out for the Ego to enter mode 1, from mode 3, if you are not careful.

Reflection:

• Can I observe myself today without criticizing or praising?
• What patterns or emotions have I noticed that repeat in my daily life?

4. Allowing

This is the next stage after Observing — Allowing.

True freedom begins with surrendering to the situation. Allowing means letting things be as they are—releasing the need to change others or force outcomes. This creates a profound sense of peace and acceptance.

Reflection:

• Where in my life am I resisting what is?
• What might happen if I accept the worst case scenario and stop emotionally fighting it? Will it make it more or less likely?

5. Flowing

This is the most beautiful state of the Ego. Flowing means acting effortlessly, without striving or force, aligning with life’s natural rhythm. In this mode, we live with ease, authenticity, and inspired action. 

Reflection:

• What would it feel like to take action without overthinking?
• How can I begin to live my daily life led by my intuition?

The five modes of the Ego, can help us identify which mode we spend the most time in, and switch our state of mind such that we can begin to come out of the traps the Ego sets for us.

Which mode are you spending most of your time in?

Let me know in the comments below.